Ode to the move

Oh how I hate this search,
The frantic effort,
Simply to be free,

Neither too big or to small,
Nor price too high,
and It seems to be,
all about location,

Work and school,
Price and size,
An equilibrium to find,

Sigh

Simply to be free,
Free from stress,
Free from pain,

From the memories,
Past, present and future,
TO forge a path soulie,
for me.

Morning

I had forgotten howanoying sleeping is. Theres nothing wrong with sleep its self, it the gettign up after part I don't like.

Wow

Quite a change lately. I am actually getting a lot of stuff done, and managing to sleep too. In fact I've been sleeping really well these last couple nights. Partly because things are mostly resolved here, mostly because this place got a good cleaning on Sunday, thanks go to a Cougar, for helping out with the other than physical cleaning. Of, course this leads to another 'problem', my body has decided to catch up on the sleep it hasn't been getting the last few weeks. While this is annoying, it's a problem I am half-way happy to have.

Problem soved it's self, I can once again visit my blog.

Annoyance

For some reason I can no longer visit my blog with Mozilla. I can go and change it, I can preview it but if I try the actual site it gives me an alert message back. I hate IE but I just might end up using it.

This is a new problem. Never happened before.

Sigh, and I just cleaned out the computer too.

I attended the MPRC's beltain fair today, so I have much stuff to relate.

One of my students passed her cooking assignment. mmmmmmm apricot.
I really need to practice my drumming more, though did ok for the chanting workshop.
I have book, I won book in raffle, everybody wants to borrow book...... Is my book!

I attended a public event and actually participated in it. I talked to people I don't know...... Excuse me while I go hide in the shower.

Saw a full colour printing of plats of the book of kells today. Since it was payday probably a good thing it wasn't for sale.

New goal: learn to say "I do not have time for this right now, unless it's an emergancy."

My brain seems to have developed a nervious twitch.

Chaos has arrived

So much for today being a nice, calm, productive day.

Complete Chaos from start to finish.

Woke up this morning before my alarm went off and couldn't get out of bed. Made it to work on time, not early like I am still hoping to do. Than things went to hell. First one of the two people in charge of the warehouse was home sick, about mid morning the assistant-supervisor who was filling in for the supervisor who’s filling in for the manager, decided to go home cause he was fed up. Than at lunch, one of the forklift drivers left, for reasons unknown. Though herd he was limping when he left. So much for any organisation at work today. Since the person who suddenly found them selves in charge of the store has been there about 2 days less than I have, and we happen to be the only two who work (since the 6th guy is only supposed to handle the packaging machine.) I suddenly found myself co-running the place. What a lovely f***ing afternoon that was since I got to tell other people where thing are that I don’t know what they are.

Than I got home to find the children have been at it again, and a cougar is about to go start tearing strips off people. Handling that took a large part of the evening, so much for any apartment hunting today. Though I expected this sort of thing to come up when I agreed to start teaching.

Hopefully I can get the other less important stuff done anyway. Unless there’s an earthquake or something.

Vacation Time

Well the heavy-Magic weekend is over.
Sorta.
By the time I got to the last Ritual that I was to perform on my own, my brain decided it had had enough and went on vacation.
SO it did not get accomplished as planned. Though I think It will be put off for a bit to let myself recover some. Should of taken the crashing last night as a sign.
HA! Like I ever notice thoses.

HUH???

It's not 9 sunday night?
WOW long sleep10 hours, missed Little Steven's.
Damn.
Oh well, felling much better.
missed storm too?
*grumble

Big weekend

If I didn't really need the money I think I would take Tuesday off from work.

Saturday: call quarters for ritual
Sunday: ward for ritual (though the one supposed to go in and out didn't)
Monday: attend ritual (luckily no participation.)
Monday: perform entire ritual

I will be really surprised if I somehow manage to drag my self out of bed Tuesday morning.

MUHAHAHAHAHA

Well the plotting as officially been blessed and got the go ahead. Today we kidnapped a little Owl out of the post ritual feast and showed to her "The Plan", and explained the situation. The Plan has been blessed with the age old magic words of "cool" and "that IS too good an opportunity to pass up".

Soo, it will go forward, with a co-ordinators approval.
One more hurdle out of the way.

One last thing!

From now on there will be no back editing of posts.
If I put it up, than it is up.
That is final. I don't care if anyone likes it or not.

Sigh

Yes the last post got edited, mostly because Someone took extreme exception to it, while I was on my way to a Ritual. Luckily I am good a putting things like that away in a little box when needed. When they come out there even worse to deal with.
I going to bed.

13 days left until I start my life again, until than just trying to survive.

Blog

When I first started this blog I sent the address to a grand total of five people. Yes, that's right 5. Why because this is a grand experiment and as the title suggests it's not exactly stuff I'm going to go and shout from the top of a building.

Now I never expected that the only people who are going to read this are the ones I sent the link to, I'm just a little too cynical for that, and I was quite sure that she would eventually find out about it anyway. Of course this is published on the internet, and anyone can read it if they find the site, and it is linked to on at least some of my friends sites/blogs. However it is my thoughts and feeling so If I choose not too than I won't tell some one about it. It's that simple.

Public humiliation IS cruel (thanks go to a Cougar for reminding me of this,) and does not belong in a journal about the direction that my life is taking. Yes these pages focus on me, ME MEMEMEMEME..........

No, I'm not self centered.

Well getting up at 4:30 after 3 hours sleep to go appartment hunting? Didn't happen.

So not suprised.

Yesterday

Well yesterday was interesting. Work was Work, neither good nor bad. Though I've been kidnapped to go and work in the store instead of my usual place outside/in the where house.

Got home from that to find that my ex had finally found my blog and had a bunch to say on it.

Than had to take off again to go to a engagement party/escape form family get together. Walking down St-Chathrines street I was almost tackled when I ran into the Sparticus. (soo jealous she get to go to Europe for a month). Walked to the bar and spent a half hour standing in front chatting, frequently interrupted with hugs and attempt to go our separate ways. At least until FAb showed up and I finaly got around to going in.
All in all a good day.

While I remember

I have been informed that conversations about the uses of dead cats in conversation while in preperation, do not belong in a record of a ritual.

Just so everyone knows.

Intelligent Life?

Well what ever makes my computer go strange, it has a brain.
I couldn't log on until after the people came with the landlord to look at this crap place.
Forced me to start with other stuff that I had to do tonight.

Oh, and the McDonald Craving was gone by this morning, with out me going to one.

Unless I started sleep walking???!!!?!?!!!!

Gremlins

Ok I definitely got a problem with this computer being possessed.
I just got shocked by the scroll wheel of my mouse.
Seem to be fine, but I suddenly have a craving for MacDonald's.
Think sleep is in order

deep phrase

WinterWolf says:
Spring cleaning of the soul

A cougar says:

deep: coloquial for serious or very cool and thought provoking
deep: physical location (the soul)
and deep: spiritual concept

Teacher, Councilor, Priest, Friend

All these words have at least a few things in common. Not the lest of which is that no matter how bad your own problems, you need to put then aside when someone else comes to you with theirs. Putting my emotions aside; This I can handle, this I have lots of practice at. The hard part is that now others come to me with problems of theirs and I have other to lean on. Yet I am committed to doing this.

A book that I once read, whose title I cannot remember (I think it was IceFalcon) said there are those who follow, there are those ho lead, and there are those who walk alone. For moat of my life I have been the third. But I no longer feel comfortable doing so. I feel pulled, to share, to teach, to help, To Lead.

Yet another change I have had to come to terms with.

There is a time for butt kicking and a time for gentle prodding.
I think this is the latter.

Sigh.
Now I feel bad, well not bad bad, just......
BLAH!!
Just was reminded of a incident where I may an error. AND found out it was worse than I thought it was.
That was old me.
New me will keep eyes open for a way to make repayment.

no coulda, shoulda, woulda.

hevy music suits my mood.

I feel my world shake,
Like An earthquake,
Hard to see clear,
Is it me? Is it fear?

Metallica, st-anger

Today I am good.
Thanks for last night, It was good.
You know who you are.

Round Again

they say I walk the line,
Fuck, they move it every time.
Guns n' Roses

Seems to be a perfect explanation of my life right now. Nothing is the same as it was a year ago. I know it never is, but this year has been more so than most. Hell, forget the last year I've had more
change in the last month and a half Than in most years.

There is literally nothing that is the same as it was this time last year, not my relationship, finacial situation, job, social, nor my religion.

Am I better off? Probably, ask again once thing are more settled.
Am I happy with the changes? Yes they are hard to live through but I think I like the outcome that is emerging.

Why did I title this Round again?
Because I am in a similar position now that I was in at the end of highschool, only this time there is nothing holding me back from doing what is best for ME.
Not a circle going round but a spiral.

Happiness?

Today was a good day, nice outside, work was easy. So I was in a good mood.
My ex commented on the fact, And she seemed surprised that I hadn't been in a good mood of late.

Does this mean that she is in a good mood because it's over? If that is the way she feels than I think it should have ended some time ago.

Warning Label

This personality comes equipped with an overdrive mode. It is to be used in emergency situations only, where quick, continuous, effort and super-human feats are required. Overuse of this feature or use in non emergency situations can result in the following problems: general crankyness, short temper, loss of sleep, caffeine overdose, small thermonuclear explosions, advancing plans for world domination, and in extreme cases Armageddon.

Please use at your own risk. Thank you.

Now is not a good time

Ok, Today I realized something. I have become a role model.

This to me, is a slightly disturbing thought, and yes I know when I agreed to start teaching I accepted the role (to a point), and if you will let me finish I will explain.

To start with I am not a very social person, the reasons for this will possibly be the subject of a future blog, sufficed to say it is true. Secondly to say I am an 'upstanding citizen' or 'model' would be streaching things quite a bit. I am what I am, and that's not part of it. Though I am working on both of those I got a long way to go.

So why this right now? I have acquired a shadow at work. In my section the person I work with I am sure this is his first job. He comes off as about 17 though how old he is I don't know for sure. While he talks about other jobs and school experiences he doesn't seem to grasp concepts like puntuality (and on this I too will admit to needing more work) and listening to instructions. All in all he comes off as young and insecure.

So today I realized that he had began to start looking and imitating what I am doing. While this is a good thing I'm sure, it is strange. I know very well that I have a tendency to focus more on my negative qualities rather than my strengths but I know I am not some one people should try to be like, and yet people seem to want to be....

This frankly scares me. Does this mean that other people like my students, and friends who I have agreed to or have toutored are also going to do this? Or have done this? My life is not exactly the sort of thing I would want anyone to have to deal with.

Sigh. This requires sleeping on.

Countdown to the beginning: 25 days left

Doh.. *Thud*.. Doh.. *Thud*.....

Sometimes I amaze myself.

So after reminding Scarlet to set her Clock forward, coming back to my apartment Sunday night and Changing the microwave and checking the time on the computer, what do I do? Forget to change the time on my alarm clock.

All I can say is: brilliant!!

Now I'm off to my parents where there's a brick wall to introduce my head to.

Time to come back down now.

Oh so much to talk about for this last week. So much happened, so much I haven’t got to say. Where to start? Ok. Beginning sounds good. This has been a week full of symbolism. Funny thing: the roles of mesh at work are all tied with pentacles on the ends, I started unloading them the day before My long term relationship ended I was unloading a container of them, and all the pentacles when intact, and they stayed intact through the unloading. The Day after It ended all the pentacles on the rolls I was unloading were all broken. Over the last week they have been getting closer to being whole again. I know there’s a hint there somewhere.

This weekend was great! Saturday I got to go out with my gaming friends and see Hellboy. Great Movie, They did a really good job. However some of the trailers made me want to hind under the seat. There are some really SCARY BAD movies coming out.
I stayed with a couple of good friends overnight Saturday, having a LAN party, and being introduced to a new addictive game. It was good to get out of my apartment for a reason other than work or teaching. Was supposed to meet my friend and TA Miaka for coffee in between the two but she is also going through a bad time and cancelled.

Sunday was even better; I felt really good after not having to deal with emotional crap Saturday. Class went really well. There was actually discussion!! And after I got to do the coffee thing that I missed Saturday. He He, Lot’s of stuff came out of that. The plan that we are teasing a cougar about came forward a lot REALY nicely. I got permission to kick Miakas but to get her through her class and into the next level. And we agreed to meet each week (preferably before class) for coffee to plan and discuss stuff.

All in all things are looking up. Though I am currently camping in my office. You can’t make me come out, I won’t I won’t Mehhhhhhh.

Mornings

Sigh.
Sometimes this is a problem: I can't sleep in even when I want to. Been up since 7, and this was supposed to be a day of relaxing.

Oh well, can find plenty of stuff to fill the time.

Kitty Tormenting

I know how the title sounds and It's not what you might think.

I have currently found a new bright spot of amusement in this otherwise dark time. I had decided to do something a few weeks ago and had told a really out of it Cougar all about it and how a friend had agreed to help me carry it out.
Of course since she forgot all about what I had said the next time I brought it up she got lost. It was just too good an opportunity to pass up. So now she turning Scarlet in real life getting annoyed trying to figure it out.

I needed a hobby anyway.

Grrr

Simply walking in the door to this apartment is difficult.
I had all the stuff I needed to do tonight worked out, in what order, how long each would take, I could get it all done. As soon as I walked through the door it's like a giant leech on my energy and inspiration. None of it got done. I think tomorrow I am going to stop by my parents and try to get some done there. Hopefully there won't be too Much crap there.

On the other hand I realized something while listening to a commercial on the radio. They said :
"Music like metal is harder, stronger, better once it has been forged..."
I didn't really expect to find any real wisdom in an ad for Metallica, but I did.
If you replace music with we, you get something that could easily apply to us all:
"We like metal is harder, stronger, better once it has been forged..."
looking at it like that makes all the crap easier to take.

Strange

Well that was an interesting day. I spent all day at work trying to decide if this Blog was a good idea or not, keep getting distracted by it and have to start counting the stock over again. Once I came to the conclusion that it was a good thing, things went much better.

When it gets to the point where an ending like the one I'm going through has To be handled by e-mail thing are beyond the point of caring for the others feelings. I'm now at that point. Hopefully things will get better from here on.